FUNNY SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY QUOTES

*** Computers & IT ***

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Rich Cook.

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer." Rita May Brown.

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men." Isaac Asimov.

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." Paul Ehrlich.

"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity." Patrick Murray.

"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers." Leonard Brandwein.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." Dennis Ritchie.

"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again." Al Goodman.

"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." Eric Porterfield.

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Rich Cook.

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer." Rita May Brown.

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men." Isaac Asimov.

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." Paul Ehrlich.

"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity." Patrick Murray.

"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers." Leonard Brandwein.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." Dennis Ritchie.

"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again." Al Goodman.

"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." Eric Porterfield.

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." Nathaniel Borenstein.

"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so." Robert Orben.

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." Robert X. Cringely.

"If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it." Pierre Gallois.

*** Academics ***

"Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known." FA Montagu.

"There are lies, damned lies and statistics." Mark Twain

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison." WC Fields.

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace.

"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one." Albert Einstein.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." GW Hegel.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles Duell.

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones." Mike Barfield.

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." Albert Einstein.

*** The Science Bit! ***

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 .

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show .

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." David Letterman.

"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." Stephen Leacock.

"Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste." Wes Smith.

"Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female." Desmond Morris.

"When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction." Steven Wright

"Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost." Russell Baker.

*** Programmers & Computer Programming ***

"I invented it, Bill made it famous." David Bradley (wrote the code for Ctrl-Alt-Delete on the IBM PC)

"As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs." Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949.

"Java is C++ without the guns, knives, and clubs" James Gosling, co-inventor of Java

"Keyboard not found. Press <F1> to RESUME. " Source unknown (appears in many common BIOSes as a real error message)

"There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't." unknown

"There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who know ternary, those who don't and those who confuse it with binary." unknown

"A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do" Dennis M. Ritchie

"Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later" F. Brooks, The Mythical Man-Month.

"Always program as if the person who will be maintaining your program is a violent psychopath that knows where you live." Martin Golding

"Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature." Bruce Brown

"Base eight is just like base ten really, if you're missing two fingers." Tom Lehrer

"Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable." Ralph Johnson

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." Donald Knuth

"bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed." "Datamation", January 15, 1984

"C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success." Dennis M. Ritchie

"Coding styles are like assholes, everyone has one and no one likes anyone elses." Eric Warmenhoven

"Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it." Brian W. Kernighan

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." Dick Brandon

"Don't get suckered in by the comments- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code." Dave Storer

"He who hasn't hacked assembly language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain." John Moore

"I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself: 'Dijkstra would not have liked this', well that would be enough immortality for me." Edsger Dijkstra

"If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in." Edsger Dijkstra

"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong." Norm Schryer

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." Dave Platt

"Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it." Seymore Cray (on virtual memory)

"Once you're done writing the code, never open it again unless you want to see how incomprehensible and utterly ridiculous it really is." Raphael Sazonov

"Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest." Isaac Asimov

"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." Michael Sinz

"Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist." F. L. Bauer

"The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language." Ron Sercely

"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." Nathaniel Borenstein

"The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?" Tom Carey

"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense" Edsger Dijkstra

"Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed." Bob Gray

*** Mathematics Quotes ***

"I don't believe in mathematics." Albert Einstein

"Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house." Robert Heinlein

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." Albert Einstein

"As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school." Cokie Roberts

"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater." Albert Einstein

"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them." John Von Neumann

"No human investigation can be called real science if it cannot be demonstrated mathematically." Leonardo da Vinci

"Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare." René Descartes

"Since the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity, I do not understand it myself anymore." Albert Einstein